Grieve As You Go

When you have a loved one who requires dementia care, there are always surprises ahead. While there can be difficult times ahead, this can also be an opportunity. As hard as life with Granddaddy sometimes was, I was able to know him in a way I couldn't have if he was well. It was not a duty to care for him, but it was an honor.

The fact that I was more than willing to provide the dementia care that he needed doesn't mean that I was happy all the time. It was hard. I was often frustrated, sometimes even angry with him. When someone's body and mind are failing, it is neither pretty nor fun.

What it became, however, was a chance to get to know him in a new way. He had always been a sort of appendage to my grandmother, but after she passed and his mind began to fade, I learned so much about him. Listening to his stories transformed him from a background character in my life to one of the most important people in my world.

The thing that no one tells you about dementia care is the grief. When someone dies, you are expected to mourn. You are surrounded by loved ones offering their support. Providing dementia care forces you to face loss every day. You have to give yourself permission to grieve all of these small losses.

Perhaps the first loss we faced together was his loss of dignity. All of my life, Granddaddy was a proud  man. It was very difficult watching him as he learned to accept help. A complicated childhood had made him independent from a very early age, and he had never wanted or needed help from anyone. Our journey through dementia care taught both of us how to give and accept help with grace, not an easy lesson to learn.

Loss of mobility hit us hard, too. He was able to get around until the end in his wheelchair, but when he had to give up his daily walks it hit him hard. Shortly after that, it became too stressful for him to leave the house. For years, a part of our dementia care routine was a daily lunch outing.

While I certainly didn't mind making meals at home, I was forced to acknowledge the fact that those days were over. It was an aspect of dementia care that no one had warned me about. I was prepared for the actual changes. Diapers and wheelchairs and sweatpants were expected and planned for. I knew that he would begin to lose more and more memories, and his personality would change somewhat. What I wasn't prepared for was the way I would feel.

Each time he asked for help with a new task, I mourned. Each time he struggled to find a word, I mourned. Each time he failed to recognize a friend or relative, I mourned. Outsiders didn't recognize these losses. They might not have appreciated them if I did share them.

It's important for you as a caregiver to realize this and give yourself permission to grieve these changes.  Many resources for dementia care situations don't address these losses. Knowing that it's coming, you can be prepared to work through losses as they come.

If you are interested in reading more about dementia, please visit www.OurCareCommunity.com - a free resource built on the concepts of "community sourcing" and "virtual networking". The result is a forum where members pool ideas, share experiences, access the latest expert information, and find creative solutions for all their elder care needs and questions.

Contributing Editor:  Julie is a graduate of the Certified Nursing Assistant program at Lanier Technical College and has over 10 years experience in elder care. Having been a family member arranging eldercare as well as a professional providing it, she understands the needs and concerns of all involved.

For more information please visit : Our Care Community dementia care & Our Care Community Alzheimer's care