I LIKE 40

What does being pulled over by the police have to do with turning 40? For me, it turned out to be a good lesson in learning how to stop.

I’ve seen several articles lately about the changes we experience in our 40’s. Having turned 40 recently, I thought I’d throw my two cents in on the subject.

I’ve been feeling excited about my new age in a way that I haven’t experienced since I was about five. I picture a kid eagerly holding up their fingers to the person who asks how old they are;  “I’m five!”  Indeed, I feel a similar sense of pride when the subject of my age comes up. “I’m 40! “ holding up all fingers and toes, grabbing someone else’s fingers and toes to help me.

I wonder what this is all about. Here’s the backdrop: I’m a professional musician in a symphony orchestra. I’m supposed to be playing a concert tonight, but instead I’m at home with back pain and arm weakness that I’ve experienced on and off for years. I’m contemplating other career options, which I’ve done on and off for years. This time around, rather than feeling terrifying and impossible, the thought of a change feels exhilarating. For me, that’s one nice new thing about being 40.

It’s interesting to be in the middle of a big change in life. I admit- I’ve taken to looking for signs everywhere to give me clues, or to indicate whether I’m on the right track. And I’m finding them.

Here’s an example: This morning I was on my way to an acupuncture appointment, and I was in a bit of a hurry. I got to the stop sign at the end of my street, I kind of stopped(ish), then kept going- right in front of a cop. When I realized it was already too late, the lights were flashing and I was being pulled over.

The officer came over and kindly asked, “Why are you in such a hurry?” I turned up the drama dial just a little bit, “I’m on my way to an acupuncture appointment because my back hurts.” She studied my license and insurance card for a moment, not taking them back to her car to write a ticket.

“Does that acupuncture work for you?” she asked. “Yes, ” I said. “It helps- you just have to be ok with having needles stuck in you.” She nodded, “Yeah, because I get some sciatic pain. I’ve tried a chiropractor, but it didn’t help.” We were having a nice chat now. “I bet you do, sitting in your car for all those hours.” “Right, ” she said.

She stood there for another moment, and then handed my license and insurance card back to me. She smiled and said, “Slow down, stop at the stop signs, and don’t be in such a hurry.”

I thanked her and drove away.  I started to cry out of thankfulness for this gentle wakeup call. I had spent the morning up until then spinning my wheels about treatment options, whether to play tonight’s concert, etc. This made it clear. Slow down. Don’t be in such a panic about things. There is another way to look at all of this.

I think I’m excited because I’ve been feeling a change coming on for some time leading up to my 40th birthday. I’m not getting too wrapped up in the specifics right now. In a larger sense, this thing with my back and arms is all ok. It’s like a stop sign. Instead of pushing through it like I did in my 20’s and 30’s, I’m allowing myself the time to stop. I have a feeling that when I let myself do that, then I’ll really be able to go- whoosh!

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