A Bit Of Fiction, Humor Written As A Final Love Letter To My

A bit of fiction, humor written as a final love letter to my wife Pam.

Dear Pam,

Prior to your departure from home this morning I was dreadfully troubled over what the outcome would be should I die accidentally while you were not here. After conducting a bit of internet research, I discovered that National Geographic had previously compiled an editorial on pet dogs eating their owners when they died or fell into a coma. They had concluded the sad disobliging truth that the pet canine, would either eat your face or your testicles or both. This was certainly not a very encouraging reflection to say the least.

I realize that DJ observed that my cat would not do such a thing because it loved me, however, permit me to enlighten you that a cat is a descendent from “Lions and Tigers” which are adamant meat eaters. The last time I checked my flesh could very well be construed as “Meat”. It has been determined that if a pet owner dies and there are no other visible sources of nourishment that loving feline is going to devour whatever flesh is around her, in this case - mine. Who knows, perhaps “Bast the Cat” might even consider eating me when it isn’t hungry except for one primary fact - I am bigger than she is. Look at what she does with birds, bunnies and other small wild creatures as she delivers them to our doormat.

I have discovered several illustrations of such aberrant actions taken by a beloved pet, including the sorrowful event in 2013 involving a decomposed corpse of an elderly woman named Janet Veal. She was eaten by her pet cats after she died unanticipated in her home. In 2008 another elderly lady named Livia Melinte was lunch for her 20 pet cats. Fortunately, these horror tales are extremely rare, but I think you are getting the idea about now. I embarked upon a train of thought as to how much time would elapse before “Bast” began to “pig-out” on my partially warm body and decided it would definitely not take her long to go for the meat after all if she doesn’t get fed, she's not very happy cat.

Well, it has not been very long since you embarked upon your trip to Florida this morning, however, I have been a little negligent in my responsibilities to the cat. I wholly overlooked feeding her so she was a bit on the grumpy side today. That my dear was not the worst of it as I was a little careless in my actions and had a slight accident, I fell down and knocked myself out but you know how that goes, right? I think I must have struck my head (you also know about that too) since I blacked out for a short period of time. Unfortunately, as I had previously predicted, since I failed to feed the feline she decided to feed herself….. On my left arm. As you may have guessed by now, I can merely type with one hand at this point. I cannot get up to fill her food dish, so I fear additional damage is likely to occur in my already weak and degraded body. I am lucky that she only started chewing on my arm as the damage could have been worse had she started chomping down in other areas.

Well Pam my love, I just wanted to extend my last few minutes relating how much I love you since my body parts will be inside of “Bast the Cat” before you arrive home in a week. Perhaps I should have kept the feline on a leash similar to the practice employed for dogs, after all cats are amoral predators and if it wasn’t fluffy and cute we likely would hunt them for sport. I guess in the long run I will be added to the list of those previously devoured as was the case with Janet Veal and Livia Melinte. Now that I am dying and decaying on the office floor, lacking vital body parts, I think back that I should have had an ostrich for a pet. Just kidding Pam, Ostriches are inappropriate household pets.

Your deceased and eaten husband

Joe

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