Ego: "a person's sense of self-esteem or self-importance." A good thing, surely? Aren't we taught that self-love is the most important love of all? Why then does the ego get such a bad rap? The key is in the second part of that definition: self-importance.
An over inflated male ego is consistently cited in the breakdown of countless relationships. If you've experienced the accusation yourself it might be time to take a good, hard look and work out just how you can conquer this arrogant beast, in order to open yourself up to inviting more lasting and meaningful connections into your life.
The first step in tackling an over active ego is identifying what it is and how it manifests – because there's a very big difference between learning how to build confidence and allowing your ego to take over. It's important to understand that displaying traits like stubbornness, arrogance, fear of judgment and failure come from your need to be fulfilled by external sources. If you're focused on what other people think of you in order to feel good, you're going to fear anything that might compromise your perfect image and blame the the rest of the world for anything that goes wrong.
Once you accept where your own reactions to the external environment are coming from, you can begin to develop an understanding of why. Why do you fear rejection? Why are you so terrified of failure? Why are you so scared of being judged? The answer always comes down to internal factors. You aren't happy. You don’t feel fulfilled. You don’t have what you want. Think about it: if you were truly happy, connected and satisfied in your life, would you really care about other people's judgment or opinion?
Solution: become the person you want to be so you can feel the way you want to feel, and there'll be no need for your ego to go rogue and take over your world.
The Challenge of Change
Yes, change is always a challenge. But if you're serious about learning how to build confidence and connect with women on a deep, intimate level, it's necessary. In order to feel fulfilled from within rather than looking to external sources, one very effective way is to push yourself through fear to do something you didn't believe was possible. This makes you feel powerful and fulfilled without relying on approval from others. Do one thing every day that scares you and see what happens to your confidence.
Another way of challenging yourself to change is through a mindful, conscious practice like OM. OM is a partnered practice involving 15-minute sessions, where one partner strokes his female partner for no other purpose than to be in the moment of the experience. While it can be confronting at first, this is an excellent practical method of learning how to build confidence by overcoming your own ego to focus on a partner without expectations.
A Lifelong Journey of Discovery
Of course, the two methods mentioned above are just the beginning. The battle to truly overcome your ego and learn how to build confidence on a deeper level, and therefore enable you to make lasting, intimate connections, is a lifelong journey. It requires constant nurturing to keep an over-active ego in check, but understanding the intrinsic reasons behind your behaviour goes a long way to achieving success.
Juliette Karaman-van Schaardenburg is a director at TurnOn Britain and a qualified OneTaste coach and OM trainer. As well as working with couples, she works with men to teach them how to build confidenceand to improve their livesby tuning into their body and intuition.